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title: Ramblings #1
time: Been spending the days catching up with friends both new and old. I'm glad that remnants of myself is still there as i talk to all these people. Talking to Amanda today, she once again reminded me that she's one of the few among all of us who have not changed since Primary school. (: And that she was happy because she's alright with herself the way she is. It got me thinking, why do we change? I am acutely aware of the stark change and transformation that has occurred to my emotional, mental and physical being. Heck, its gotten to the extent that people whom I've schooled with for 4 years are unable to recognize me when I walk past them. I changed, because i wasn't happy with myself. I knew, my inner and outer being were equally displeasing to the eye. I was unkempt and quiet beyond belief. Refusing to socialise outside of my circle, refusing to smile. Grouchy and insecure and constantly in a self entrapped sulky cycle. I remember telling myself that I had to change. I aspired to smile everyday, irregardless of my feelings. I aspired to laugh gaily as though i hadn't a care in the world. And i remember, I got hurt as a result of my aspirations. I remember how despite the teasing and ridiculing, I forced that smile to continue. Because, everyone likes happy people. I told myself to gain friends i should continue smiling and continue laughing. And now, with time, I learned that smiling all the way doesn't earn me the friends that I deserve. Yea, i smile, yea i laugh, but only when im happy. (: No longer would I falsify those emotions. I dont deserve that. & its about time i learned. ----------------------------- Is it wrong to care about my appearances? What defines the boundaries between concern for appearances and pure vanity? Or perhaps both are interconnected and there's no clear boundary anyway. I've spent my years understanding that the more you care about superficial appearances, the more people are willing to approach you. Its a cold hard fact but unfortunately true. & try as we may to deny, the ugly truth always rears its head in the end. |
